Shaun of the Red

The Redskins picked up Shaun Alexander and Ryan Plackemeier today.

"When Ladell Betts went down, we went looking for a guy who would hit the hole nice and slow, and who would fall down at the first hint of contact. We got our man in Shaun Alexander," head coach Jim Zorn did not say in a statement. "We signed Ryan because, when it comes to punting, we figure: If 22 yards per attempt is good enough for P-for-K, it's good enough for us," he did not add.

The Other Garfield

Via Garfield Minus Garfield. Kinda feels like the Seahawks' season. I'd take this over 800 words by Steve Kelley any day.

Early retirement for Holmgren?

This is not the farewell tour that Mike Holmgren had planned. He's not getting rocking chairs or golf clubs in every city and his reputation as a offensive "genius" is taking a hit with every pathetic showing by the Seahawks. There is no shortage of excuses. Hasselbeck is hurt and the team's WRs are banged up. But those injuries don't explain how uninspired the team looks. It doesn't explain how every team except for the St. Louis Rams has been more physical and better prepared than the Seahawks. (Cue: fake punt from Buffalo.)

The only conclusion we can draw is that it is time for Mike to step down. Now. In one of his rare posts, Yuniesky rightfully pointed out how strange the Jim Mora transition plan is and how it actually hurts the team. It's clear that the players are already tuning out Holmgren who will play no role in helping them get a contract extension or even determine their role for next year. The succession plan has effectively removed both the carrot and the stick.

Of course, this will never happen. In the minds of Seattle sports fans, Holmgren ranks right up there with Lou Pinella, another fiery Seattle manager whose regular season success never translated into playoff victories. The situation has gotten so bad that Seattle's elite sports media (we read all media here at SGB) has taken to calling Jim Zorn - the coach who got away. Jim Zorn is probably not the answer and the jury is still out on Jim Mora, but one thing we know for sure is that Mike Holmgren is definitely NOT the answer. Later Mike, see you in two years with the New York Jets.

Seahawks Crashing

We interrupt this broadcast of the Ty Willingham Death Watch to bring you this breaking news: the Seahawks might be worse than the Huskies. And as I'm watching Mike Holmgren's Monday press conference, I see no indication things will get better.

The crushing 44-6 loss to the Giants was all-encompassing. New York outgained Seattle 523-187, the defense missed tackles and looked generally meek, and the offense couldn't do anything. The Dice Game called this one: the Seahawks, in a crucial contest they had two weeks to prepare for, wilted early and often.

Holmgren is saying things like, "This is the same group of guys we had last year. We just played badly," and "We'll keep doing the things we've doing." Really? Playing matador defense and not protecting the QB are what you're going to keep doing? News conferences are notorious for being bland, but Holmgren's platitudes indicate either a delusion that the Seahawks can just turn it on (unlikely) or a lack of answers to what's wrong here (more likely).

The Hawks can't rely on coasting to a title in the NFL's worst division any more. They now look like the third-best team in the NFC West. The Cardinals crushed the previously-undefeated Bills and the 49ers were game against the Patriots, and they've already beaten the Seahawks here. This is a dead team walking. Luckily, the Seattle Mist start play in less than a year.

Nut check time for the Seahawks

This weekend, the Seahawks are heading into the Jersey swamps to take on the defending Super Bowl champs. It's a tall order, no doubt, and I think it will be the defining game of the Seahawks season. A hard-fought win or, at the very least, a respectable showing gives the team some hope for the remainder of the season. If they get dominated, the wheels will come off the wagon very quickly and a 6-10 record could be in the cards.

The Giants are everything the Seahawks are not. They have an identity: aggressive, ball-hawking defense and a powerful offensive line that blows open holes for a variety of different-sized backs. They are tough, smart and nasty.

Yes, the Seahawks wide receiver corps have been decimated by injuries, but the bigger problem existed even before the injuries. This team has absolutely no identity. It was supposed to be the defense, but the vaunted D gave up 34 points to Buffalo in the season opener and a more embarrassing 33 to San Francisco at home. The Seahawks are full of nice guys, but it is painfully obvious that they lack a toughness that all great teams have. As Oscar Pendejo pointed out in July, this team needs some attitude. (As a rule of thumb, guys in jail are tough.)

Some fans may feel a little better about the team, because it whipped up on St. Louis two weeks ago. But the reality is that the Rams wouldn't be able make it to a bowl game if they were playing on Saturdays and talk of an improved running game is predicated on pounding the ball against the porous Rams and 49ers defenses. Against Buffalo's legitimate defense, the team ran for 84 yards.

I really expect this team to fold like a lawn chair against the Giants who will ram the ball down the Seahawks throat (especially with Plaxico Burress suspended). Pure and simple, this game is a nut check for the Hawks. If they don't sack up, the year of discontent for Seattle sports will just extend into the winter.

Welcome Back K-Rob

I guess it shows how dire the Seahawks' situation is. Excitement is building over the re-signing of a former first-round draft choice who washed out in a sea of booze and bad behavior. But here Seattle is welcoming Koren Robinson back into the fold. No doubt he's a talented guy; before he hit the skids, Robinson put up nice numbers in his sophomore season of 2002: 78 catches, 1,240 yards and 5 TDs. But Mike Holmgren eventually tired of his antics and released Robinson after the '04 season. He caught on with the Vikings and made the Pro Bowl as a returner in '05, but then had a DUI there and was cut again. However, Robinson says he's been sober for two years, despite spending most of that time in Green Bay, a place Bill Simmons noted (in a September 15, 2006 column) might not have been the best fit for him:

The Packers were crushed at home by Chicago, then decided it would be a good
idea to sign Koren Robinson ... a guy who's struggled with drinking problems
over the course of his career. Now he gets to live in a city where there's
nothing to do, there's no black people and everyone loves to drink and eat
bad food? Is this signing sponsored by Bad Idea Jeans? Normally I wear
protection, but then I thought, "When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?"

Seriously, I hope the guy has kicked his habit. Professionally, there's no doubt he can contribute to the team, and soon. The Hawks have more injured wide receivers than most teams have on a roster: Deion Branch, Nate Burleson, Bobby Engram, Logan Payne, Seneca Wallace, Ben Obomanu and Paul Skansi. Seattle also acquired Keary Colbert, who has been generally underwhelming since coming out of USC. But throwing to two guys with some experience is preferable to throwing it to...well, whoever Matt Hasselbeck has been trying to throw to. Through two games, he's completed fewer than half his passes and he may have a more serious back problem than he's letting on. Robinson's signing came with Hasselbeck's blessing.

But the Seahawks' problems go far beyond the passing game. Their defense, thought to be stout coming into the season, was gashed by the 49ers in their 33-30 overtime loss. They couldn't stop or contain dangerous UC-Davis product J.T. O'Sullivan. In the process, he became the first Niners passer to throw for 300+ yards in four years (somewhere Tim Rattay is sticking pins in his J.T. O'Sullivan doll). The D also squandered a 14-point lead and couldn't get the stops they needed. Way to waste an 8-sack day.

What the Seahawks did find in this game is a ground attack. Julius Jones rushed for 127 yards, Leonard Weaver had a few good runs and T.J. Duckett bulled his way into the end zone in a most un-Shaun-Alexander-like fashion. Plus, Seattle plays in the Sun Belt Conference of the NFL. They should get healthy this weekend on the Rams, who at this point probably couldn't beat their former cross-town rival, the USC Trojans.

Still, as Mike Holmgren is about to leave Seattle, there may be a changing of the guard in the NFC West. This is roughly the 18th straight year pundits have predicted the Cardinals would finally rise from the ashes, but it might REALLY be happening in Phoenix this time. They're 2-0, Kurt Warner had a perfect passer rating against the Dolphins and the defense looks good.

The Seahawks haven't had to look up in the standings in years, so this is new for most of the team. It's not panic time, but in his last season can Holmgren adapt to what's happening? Can he emphasize the running game over the West Coast tendency to pass, at least until reinforcements in the wide receiver corps arrive? Can future coach Jim Mora get the defense to buckle down? Can those two get along enough and unite the team? If not, it's going to take a lot more than K-Rob to turn things around.

Interim Messiah

Brett Favre spent the past month turning himself from national treasure into knackered turd. Among the less noted consequences of his tantrum: the game of musical chairs to decide who gets to occupy Brett’s old throne as Classiest Class Act in the great variety show of classy white guys. And the winner is Seattle’s own Mike Holmgren, the most graceful retiree-in-waiting since Jerome Bettis.

Here’s how the story goes: Holmgren took a week off after last season to think carefully about his future. As a good family man, he let his wife think some about it too. And he told the team that he and Kathy had decided he was going to coach one more year (which happens to be the last year of the contract that makes him the highest paid coach in the NFL, at $8 million per season). Then he’d move along.

He didn’t make threats. He didn’t make the team wait. And he’s giving them enough time to manage an easy transition to the Jim Mora regime. As if all that wasn’t enough class, Holmgren made a point of saying he didn’t want his final campaign to be a “farewell tour.” What a guy! He agreed to go ahead and coach out his lucrative contract, and then he not only didn’t ask for but specifically rejected the idea (that nobody suggested) of a farewell tour!

Even before Brett shat the bed, Holmgren was drowning in praise (though surely he’s too classy a guy to have enjoyed the mass fellatio). Seahawks president Tim Ruskell said Holmgren’s classy decision would allow the team “to be non-chaotic in the sports world, which is kind of rare. We all know about the elongated processes and the back-stabbings—some of the things, the ugly things, that can go on. Well, we’re not going to have that and he doesn’t want that.” Mad props, Mike, for not wanting to stab anybody in the back!

Mora, by the way, has fit right in. When he got the news that he was the guy, he was “subdued” and seemed more interested in “making this a special season for Holmgren,” not that it’s a farewell tour or anything.

Here is the problem: Even if you’re inclined to agree that Holmgren is a good Christian who handles all his business with grace and aplomb, the year the Seahawks are about to spend in purgatory is not good for the team.

The future belongs to Mora. And the future could be now. But it won’t be, because Holmgren, the past, is still now. Even though Mora and Holmgren are simpatico, Mora's not going to be a Holmgren copycat who happens to look less like Andy Reid. He’s going to point the team in new directions. He’s already been a head coach. It’s not as if Holmgren has to blow his nose for him. He has ideas. But they don’t count until next season. THEN they count.

In the meantime, the Seahawks spent another year drafting Holmgren’s players. They’ll spend another year learning Holmgren’s schemes. And they’ll spend another year building relationships with Holmgren’s coaches.

Perhaps the team is operating under the illusion that this will be another Super Bowl year. If it is, I’ll get a Brett Favre sleeve-tattoo up and down my golden left arm. Since the Super Bowl isn’t happening, this year will actually be a wasted year, a year stuck in neutral, a year of wasting guys’ talent instead of using it to build Jim Mora’s team, a team with real title hopes.

Give me your violent, your crazy, your recidivist bastards yearning to make it to February

I apologize to the mourners for interrupting the Sonics-related sad sackery, but there are important, uplifting, burning Seattle sports issues to discuss: namely, the upcoming football season and one solid idea for making our football team not suck this year. And no, I don’t mean the Huskies – I have no idea how to make them stop sucking. I am talking about the Seahawks, the gridiron's nicest guys and former home of the chubbiest star running back since the Bus left Steeltown.

I know it’s hard to get excited about football while the weather’s still warm and the sun’s still shining during dinner. But for me, every year at about this time, I can feel excitement start to build about the coming of fall. Part of this excitement is, no doubt, the proximity of crisp, clear days and the new-school-year optimism embedded deep in my lizard brain. But a big part of the excitement is the approach of a new football season, so filled with nervousness and anticipation back in the Pop Warner days, and now brimming with the promise of drinking beer at 10 o’clock on Sunday mornings and watching Lofa Tatupu punish any running back with the temerity to run between the tackles.

Last year was a bit of a disappointment. Not as much for me as for a friend who picked Shaun Alexander first in his fantasy draft, but neverthless a disappointment to watch so much talent being squandered. But this year, I’ve got hopes. And I’ve got one solid idea for how we can turn our guys into the Emerald City marauders we need to be to make it to the big game.

We need more criminals.

That’s right. It’s no secret that some teams have achieved great success by keeping known felons in their ranks. Indeed, the examples of excellent individual acquisitions are too many to catalog here. But perhaps no team has utilized the criminally-inclined more effectively than America’s Team: the Dallas Cowboys. And frankly, I’m sick of seeing Jerry Jones's band of rogues win at the expense of our guys in green, and I think it’s time we steal a page from their rap sheet.

But first, let’s look at some fish that got away:

Terry “Tank” Johnson, for example, has been a successful acquisition for America’s Team. Having been arrested numerous times on a variety of charges, including illegal firearm possession and assault of a police officer, Johnson was dropped by the Bears. Career over? No way. The Cowboys were more than happy to scoop him up and plant him in the middle of a very effective D Line. The kicker: as a former Husky, the Seahawks were in prime position to add Tank to their arsenal in the 2004 draft. Who did they pick instead? Marcus Tubbs, who in 2007 had no felonies and no sacks.

Adam “Pacman” Jones is perhaps the most brilliant, and most felonious, Cowboy acquisition in recent memory. Sure, he sat out the entire 2007 season for making it rain just a little too hard, but his return promises to be spectacular, and will give the Cowboys their first true lockdown corner since Neon Deion left to be co-host of the 700 Club. Just looking at the numbers, it’s clear that Seattle should have snapped him up on the cheap: even taking the 2007 goose egg into account, Pacman’s three-year career average of 1.33 interceptions and 38.33 tackles per season outguns the 1 interception and 35 tackles Kelly Jennings recorded in his first and only season as a Hawks’ corner.

And aside from those two criminally good acquisitions, the Cowboys have been just as effective at growing their own, so to speak. The roster of Cowboy outlaws is too long to go into detail: Nate Newton, Michael Irvin, Erik Williams, Hollywood Henderson . . . . We all know that Rae Carruth would be running patterns in Arlington if only he’d had Johnny Cochran as his lawyer.

So, where does that leave us nice guys? Perhaps we can score the former Bengals' WR Chris Henry, who, based on last season’s on and off field performances, promises to be very bad, and very good, in years to come. But who else is there that we can acquire? There must be someone, and we just need to be on the lookout. For example: he runs a 4.0 forty but gets in a fight every Friday night? Awesome; bail him out and suit him up in Seattle. He benches 225 forty-five times but has failed every drug test since the combines? Great! From your lock-up to our locker room, we’re happy to have him.

I think Paul Allen and crew just need to start scouring the police blotters for franchise talent. Hell, maybe with two or three more violent criminals, we could be America’s team.