Sour Apples

On November 23, 2001, college football fans from Piscataway, NJ to Berkeley, CA -- and nowhere in between -- eagerly awaited the kickoff of the Cal-Rutgers game. Each team hoped the other would cure what ailed them. And that season, there were nothing but ailments for both clubs. Rutgers entered the game 2-8, while Cal sported an 0-10 record, in a contest that featured future NFL underachievers Kyle Boller and L.J. Smith. AND, the hype had been building all season. The game was pushed back to November from mid-September because of the 9/11 attacks. So as fall eased toward winter along the banks of the Raritan, the excuses were over. The Battle of the Beatens was on!

That tilt is the closest I can come to approximating Saturday's Apple Cup. Like Cal, UW comes in 0-10 (I'll get to some more exciting parallels later), while Wazzu is 1-10. While we've documented the Huskies' putrefaction in this space all year, the Cougars might be worse. Aside from beating Jerry Glanville's hapless Portland State squad, WSU hasn't been competitive in a single game. They've given up at least 58 points six times and injuries forced them to hold an open-campus casting call for a quarterback. Consider that Saturday's loss to Arizona State represented the smallest margin of loss since October 4th. Consider that WSU lost 31-0. Since UW "only" bowed to ASU 39-19 last week, give the Huskies the edge. Meanwhile, Dennis Erickson is petitioning the NCAA to let the Sun Devils play WSU seven times next year, and UW the other five.

But unlike that pillow fight seven years ago, this Sour Apple Cup is a rivalry game. You know, you can throw out the records for this brawl. If only we could. Both sides always say that beating the other validates their season. For this year's winner, it'll be like a cherry on top of a triple turd sundae. 

Rivalry or not, is this not the worst game between two BCS schools since Cal-Rutgers? Let's open up the phone lines. Hello? Hello? Um, is this thing on? With a nod to Stanklin, cue the tumbleweeds. When you consider that UW and WSU have both played in Rose Bowls this decade, Saturday's game is even more shocking in its awfulness. 

But a history lesson from The Battle of the Beatens could offer solace to both UW and WSU. Late in 2001, Cal's head coach Tom Holmoe resigned as the season circled the drain, while UW's Tyrone Willingham is also "stepping down" at the end of the season. Cal brought in Jeff Tedford, who has turned the Golden Bears into a winning program, while now being mentioned as an outside candidate for the Husky job. Meanwhile, 2001 was current Rutgers head coach Greg Schiano's first year. Since then, he's brought the Scarlet Knights to unprecedented heights and rebuffed offers from bigger programs. WSU is also led by a first-year coach and former WSU football player Paul Wulff. Coincidence? Of course not. 

On November 23, 2001 in front of 18,111 fans, Cal beat Rutgers 20-10, sending coach Holmoe out a winner and euthanizing a season for two piss-poor teams. Ergo, my Sour Apple Cup prediction: UW 20, WSU 10, with Tyrone Willingham getting a turd sundae shower in place of Gatorade. 

Looking ahead

Is there anywhere else to look? In the past year, some asshair filched the Sonics, the Mariners ended their season one turd away from a turdathon, the Huskies are threatening to go 0-12, and the Seahawks are playing as if they're jealous of Miami's 2007 record. I’m choking on SGB’s self-loathing, and so I find myself looking forward to something… anything.

Would I find it in Pullman, of all places?

Um, no... I wouldn’t. But what the hell else can I write about?

You may remember last year, when the Cougs rode the talented Kyle Weaver (now a member of the Oklahoma City Thunder -- et tu, Kyle?) to 26 wins. Their season ended in the Sweet 16 to eventual runner-up UNC. Weaver, Derrick Low and Robbie "2.5 personal fouls per game" Cowgill all graduated, leaving the Cougs in a rebuilding year. Next year, they will dress 10 freshman.

So what’s there to look forward to? A 229 pound unpolished block machine that goes by the name of DeAngelo Casto, that's what.

Casto, a Spokane native, briefly flirted with UW before signing with Wazzou. The 6’8 power forward plays an angry brand of basketball. He ushered Ferris High through back-to-back undefeated seasons, leaving the team with a 58 game winning streak and two consecutive 4A championships. In the 4A tournament, he averaged 19.7 points and he broke a record by tallying 25 blocks in four games (including eight in the championship game). He single-handedly doused the storied Spokane barn fire of 2005, helped an average of 3.2 old ladies cross the street over his freshman and sophomore seasons and convinced Senator Cantwell to vote against the bailout bill, calling the bill a "band-aid." Said Casto, "H.R. 1424 is no panacea, and our government has approved it in a dispiritingly desultory manner." He also can eat 29 eggs in one sitting. [Ed. Note: We're fairly certain none of this is true. Except for the egg bit.]

Bring on college basketball season. Or more to the point, bring on the end of the Seahawks' season.